Peace, Quiet, and Thoughts

Peace and quiet.  "What is that?" most people will ask.  It is kind of a rare thing for me too.  Most of the time life is constantly bombarding me with something.  I suspect a lot of people are the same way, but I really don't know for sure.  Honestly, I kind of have this weird personality.  I really don't like to mingle with and socialize with people, or at least people I really don't know.  I love my closest friends and will hang out with them anytime but when in unfamiliar places with people I just met or don't even know, I am uncomfortable.  I am in Chicago right now so once again I am around people I don't really know.  The people in the class I am in aren't too bad but when I'm not in class, things are different.  Tonight, when I went to dinner, I was really overcome with a feeling of... Actually, I was flooded with several feelings and emotions.  I felt really awkward going into the restaurant by myself.  While waiting for my meal and even while eating, I realized how lonely I was.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was a deep rooted feeling.  It isn't just because of this trip and being away from people that I know, it is hard to explain but it is just that feeling of missing something.  Yes, I have a family at home but as most of you know or have figured out, things there are not exactly wonderful.  Don't get me wrong.  I love my kids.  My wife and I are really not getting along and I am working hard just to keep things civil.  In reality though, we don't have relationship that fills that need for companionship.  I am just trying to keep things civil for a few more months.

I used to think I knew what I wanted to fill that that void and to make me feel like... to feel like I want to feel, or least what I think it should be.  Lately though, there is a lot of uncertainty.  Things are not what I thought they would or could be.  I used to think I knew who I could talk to.  Now, I am not so sure.  I blame myself for part of it... OK, most of it.   I am really... I don't even have the words.

Now, I have really gotten myself to a place where I just need to regroup my thoughts and feelings.

No more tonight.

Goodnight.

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